I checked into jail on foursquare
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
