nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
