I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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