peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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