I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
