So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
