It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Pants are for mortals
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
