the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
