I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
