And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
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It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
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Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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