Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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