i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
