bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
