just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
