the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
