Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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