I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
