xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
