If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
