I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
