So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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