So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
