she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
