my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
