i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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