Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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