I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
