If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
