so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
