Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
