Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
