escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
