he wants to bone in the snuggie
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
