go do what you do best...puke behind churches
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
