Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
