thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Ambien. No doubt about it.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
