i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
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