You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Acid is not a monday night drug
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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