I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
