She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize