he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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