You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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