Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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