the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
