Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
