I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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