He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so let's talk penis.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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