I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
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just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
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Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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