He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
