I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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