What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Randomize
