I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
