I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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