I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
