I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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