Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
