Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
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how do flat chested girls get laid?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
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My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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