I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I have feelings that need drinking.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
