ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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