We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
