Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
