my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
